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Thursday, January 29, 2004

Tongue-Tied

Take a moment to read this... It's SO cute...




I'm standing there behind the toilet block. Talking to myself. You know, having a conversation in my head. The reason that I am talking to myself is out on the netball court. Giving me the silent treatment.

'Jill. Don't be like that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you.'

This is what I say to myself in my head. I am rehearsing a little speech.

'Say something, Jill. Please. Don't just stand there. Dont' blink at me with that look on your face. I feel like a criminal.

'It's not like I'm a horrible person. I've never kissed a girl, you know. And you're the only one I would ever want to kiss. Say something. Please. Don't give me the silent treatment.

'All right, all right. Be like that. I don't care. Sulk. Tell your mum. Tell your teachers. I'm not a murderer, am I? I didn't actually touch you, did I? I just closed my eyes and pouted my lips and leaned forward. So? Big deal.

'Still not going to talk? Okay, you can listen then. I'll tell you everything that happened. Right from the beginning.

'I always liked you. But I knew I didn't have a chance. Your dad is rich. My dad is poor. You are beautiful. I am... well, you can see what I am. You are really smart. I am dumb.

' I'm clumsy. You are good at sport. You are always jogging and training. You even carry around one of those plastic squirt water bottles of water. Imagine what my mum would say if I bought one of those.

' "Paying for water Jeremy?" That's what she'd say. Or what she'd shout more like it. "What are you thinking of, boy? Water is free. You can get it out of the tap. What are you spending good money on it for?"

'Anyway, Jill, I knew when your birthday was. So I decided to buy you a present.

' "How much are those wriggling guppies?" I said to the man in the pet shop.

' "Two hundred and ten dollars." he said. "And cheap at half the price."

' "Two hundred and ten dollars?" I yelled. "Just for a fish?"

' "A very special fish," he said. "And there is someone else interested in it. You won't gte another one anywhere."

'That was all the money I had from my paper rounds. Two years of getting up in the dark and rain. Riding around on a rusty bike. Up hill and down. Throwing papers on to rich people's front lawns. I was saving up for a bike with gears. To make the going a bit easier.

'I took the money out of my wallet and looked at it. I thought about that new bike. Then I thought about you. And your soft lips. My heart seemed to stop beating. I went all wobbly in the stomach. I admit it. I thought about kissing you. What's wrong with that?

'You really wanted a wriggling guppy. I heard you tell your friend Samantha. "They come from Japan." you said. "I would kill for one of those wriggling guppies."

'So I bought it. On your birthday. Today. You would kill for a wriggling guppy, you said. Well my mum would kill me when she finds out my bike money is gone. Vanished like a fish down the drain.

'Why don't you say something, Jill? Cat got your tongue? Why don't you stop sipping out odf your yuppy bottle of mineral water and speak to me?

'Anyway, to get back to the story, Jill. I walked home form the pet shop with the little wriggling guppy in sa small glass fishbowl. "You will have to change the water every day." said the man. "Otherwise it will use up all the oxygen."

'So I kept it in a locker all day at school. Every chance I got I checked on the little wriggling guppy. To be quite honest, I can't see the value, Jill. Okay, it looks pretty with its little orange and green spots. And it wriggles around in a funny way. But gees, you could get a good bike for that sort of money.

'After school I plucked up my courage. "Jill," I said. "Will you wait back after netball practice? I want to talk to you."

' "What about?" you said.

' "A secret.," I told you.

'You nodded your head. You did. And don't deny it. You agreed to meet me here. Not with words. But with a nod.

'And you waited like I said. Just the two of us. Way out in the sale-yards car park after everyone had gone home. I had to walk all the way. I couldn't take a little glass fishbowl on my bike, could I? It took me an hour to walk here, Jill.

'So finally I held out my present. I was waiting for you to say, "Oh thank you Jeremy. YOu shouldn't have. These are so rare. Where did you get it? All that money. You wonderful person."

'I was waiting for you to lean over and kiss me with those soft lips. Even a peck on the cheek would have been something.

'But you just left me standing there with my eyes closed, and you said nothing. You are good at saying nothing. Aren't you?

'Do you know how I felt? Stupid. Ridiculous. A total nerd. I could feel my face burning. You couldn't even bring yourself to say thanks.

'I was so embarrassed that I ran and hid behind the boys' toilet. Can you believe that? What a dork. The toilets were locked. But if I could have gotten inside I would have stuck my head in the toilet bowl in shame.

'But then I stopped and thought, Hang on a bit. Okay, okay. She has rejected me. But there is still the fish. There is still that stupid wriggling guppy. Jill can't expect to keep it. I will take it back to the man in the pet shop. He might give me my money back. But I had better get moving. Before it uses up all the oxygen.

'Oh gees. Hurry. Quick.'





I run out from behind the toilets on the netball courts. And what do I find?

She has thrown my present on the ground. She has smashed the glass fishbowl. And still she won't say anything. What a mean, horrible, rotten stinking person. Standing there sipping out of her stupid yuppy water bottle.

'Guppy, guppy, guppy, where are you?'

I fall to the ground and search around on my knees. Has it gone down the drain? Is it in the grass? Has she chucked it on the roof?

All because I wanted a kiss.

Jill grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me to my feet. Boy, is she strong. She just stands there staring at me. A tear runs down her cheek. She takes another sip out of her water bottle. Then she holds it out to me with a funny look on her face. It is too late for tears now. Two hundred and ten bucks. All for a kiss from a stupid girl.

She suddenly grabs me and pulls my face towards her. She presses her lips to mine.

No, no. Not now. I don't want a kiss anymore. You are not worth it, Jill.

Oh, shoot. She is pushing her tongue into my mouth.

What, what, what? It is soft and squirming around. I never experienced anything like this before. It is a tongue-tide. Oh gees. It feels like...

It feels like...

A little wriggling fish.

It is the guppy.

She had it in her mouth. It wasn't her tongue. It was the fish. And she has pushed it into my mouth.

She talks.

'Oh Jeremy,' she yells. 'I am so sorry. I didn't know what to say. Such a generous present. I was shocked. I couldn't get the words out. Then you ran off behind the toilets. I started after you but I tripped. And broke the fishbowl.'

I just stare at Jill and try not to swallow the fish. Jill shoves the water bottle in my hand. 'Fill your mouth with water,' she screams. I can't find a container anywhere. We have to keep the guppy alive.'

I gulp in water and blow out my cheeks. Jill looks around furiously for something to put the fish into. But there is nothing. Not even a rusty can. And there is no one to help. The netball courts are deserted.

'See if you can take the top of the water bottle,' she yells. 'We can put the fish in there but I can't open it.'

I twist at the little squirting cap and shake my head.

I can't talk because the guppy is swimming around inside my cheeks. The water fills my mouth. I can't speak. I am tongue-tied.

'Pass the fish to me,' Jill says. She sucks some water into her mouth from the bottle and then pouts her lips. I press my lips against hers and push the guppy back into her mouth with my tongue. Gees, it feels good. Her lips are really soft.

'We ave to get a tap,' I gasp. 'Twenty steps each and then we pass back the fish.'

Jill nods. She is smiling.

So we walk back down the road, passing the fish to each other with our lips. Each time the fish gets a new mouthful of water. And I get a kiss. A fish kiss.

We walk slowly.

Finally, after many fish kisses, we reach a tap.

I decided to confess. 'Jill,' I say. 'I really could have gotten the top off the bottle. I felt it move.'

She grins and pulls my head to hers. It is my last turn to have the the guppy.

'Don't worry about it,' she says when she finally comes up for air. 'I swallowed the silly fish five minutes ago.'


- adapted from Paul Jenning's Tongue-Tied

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Hana Last Blogged At
7:11 PM


Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Everything's My Fault

Tell me something that's
Sure to break my heart
'Cause everything's my fault
And I know I deserve to be alone
Cause everything's my fault

- Everything's My Fault (Fenix TX)

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Hana Last Blogged At
2:50 PM


Monday, January 26, 2004

Walking Behind

He's running, she's walking behind
He's trying, but he's last in her line


Channel

His love's dying, but he keeps on trying
She lives in fear, with a love that's clear
(they're wasting their time)
He's got love, that he needs to give
But she's afraid to let him in
(he's falling behind)

Chorus

To her world with no together
She can't see him in her picture
She wants love, but her heart won't let her
Let him in
She's walking behind
She's walking behind

Verse # 2

The phones ringing, is it her on the line
Does he answer, or is he wasting his time


Channel

His love's dying, but he keeps on trying
She lives in fear, with a love that's clear
(they're wasting their time)
She's got love, that she's needs to give
But he's afraid to let him in
(she's falling behind)

Chorus

To his world with no together
He can't see her in his picture
He wants to love, but his heart won't let him
Let her in
He's walking behind

Instrumental


She's got love to give
He's got love to give
So let it come in...
- Walking Behind (The Moffatts)

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Hana Last Blogged At
3:51 PM


Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Two years have passed and I still haven't founf the answer to my own question. All I can say is, I'm different with different people. Is that being hypocritical? I'd hate being called that, but maybe it's the TRUTH. I guess I'm nice most of the time, but being nice is not the issue. Hmm... maybe I have SPLIT PERSONALITIES... Nah, don't think so.
Who is the real Noorhana? Is she the confident, smiley, crazy girl at school, OR the quiet, thoughtful, listner with others? Is she truthfully "ASAL BOLEH" or does she really care about stuff? Half the time she claims she doesn't. (I can vouch that she does.)
Haha. I don't know anything anymore. Some say I like to "ACT CUTE". I say I don't care, but is that really true? Then maybe I should show them the serious Hana. Matured Hana... Hehe... It's buried somewhere under all that CRAZINESS, but... I know it's still there. Hmmm...
Aaargh! Who AM I?
Took a few minutes to read something... I think I know now. Noorhana is a VERY friendly girl who's not afraid to make friends and do crazy stuff... as long as it wasn't bad stuff.
She can be funny at times. Most of the times she's CRAZY - too crazy. She's also confused with all her clashing feelings - which explains her JADEDNESS and 'DON'T CARE' attitude.
She has thus far learnt to control her REAL EMOTIONS from being displayed to the whole world. DISAPPOINTMENT is very familiar to her.
She has many friends BECAUSE she's trying to find the ULTIMATE one. Someone who can accept her for the HYPOCRITE that she is.

THIS ENTRY SERVES TO REMIND ME WHO I AM AND TO BE JUST THAT PERSON. ME.

Wrote this in J1. Don't think anything's changed. I'm still clueless.

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Hana Last Blogged At
3:44 PM


Saturday, January 24, 2004

Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

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Hana Last Blogged At
4:35 PM


the wonder of wondering.

Lately..... stuff's been going wrong... so wrong..
Haha... well, i guess it's just me.
It's just who I am.
this is my life...
this is what i get...
haha... hmm, that's kinda sad ain't it...

i have friends.......
but i can't seem to find the ultimate one...
in the end , i usually end up hurting them...
which is why, it's better to have no friends at all...

sad.

am i selfish?
i've always wondered.
probably am...
i just want the best for my friends.
and if that hurts them, so be it.
it's all for the best, i swear.
that's selfish for you.

i hate this.
At times like these, i desperately reach out to grasp happy memories that are best left in the dark.
Memories of Him.
Of an us.
Some stuff just doesn't leave you alone, does it?
Or is it me?

I'm talking in circles aren't I?
It's the confusion messing with my head.

And still......
I think of Him.
Wondering where he is right now.
What he is doing.

Why?
Why am I complicating my life?
I can't help it.

It's just who I am.

Labels:


Hana Last Blogged At
4:27 PM


Wednesday, January 21, 2004

kenpiused.

So he hasn't messaged a few days...
So what...
I don't really care... Do I?
Con-fu-sion.. Con-fu-sion...
hahaha
right.....

But guilt has set in....
hahaha... and mummuy's looking over my shoulder...
okay, i'm sorry pal....
I just have to do it..
It's for your own good.
I mean it.

Labels: ,


Hana Last Blogged At
1:17 PM


Going Thru' The Motions

Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real,
Nothing here is right
I’ve been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been

Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave you'll find this fight
Just doesn't mean a thing
She ain't got that swing
Thanks for noticing
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just

Going through the motions
Faking it somehow
She's not even half the girl she...
ow
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour
How can I repay?
Whatever
I don't want to be

Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just wanna be
Alive

- Buffy The Vampire Slayer

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Hana Last Blogged At
1:10 PM


Friday, January 16, 2004

Go

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice Say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem

I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

~Blink 182, Go

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Hana Last Blogged At
5:06 PM


You're not. (the one.)

I feel guilty.
Very.
I know you're not THE ONE.
Definately NOT the one.
But YOU can't understand that.
So until you get rid of that SILLY MAGGOT in your head,
I'm not talking to you.
It's just awkward.
No matter what you say.
I feel guilty everytime I talk to you about another guy.
You tell me it's ok and that ugly look crosses your face.

It sucks.

I'm giving you time to get OVER me.
Cause you're not the one.
I'm giving you space to let you find out,
That you're not the one.
I've stopped having conversations with you so that you'll figure out,
That YOU'RE not THE ONE.

AND I'M not THE ONE.

I know you hurt.
But I just have to do it.

Because,

You're just not the one.

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Hana Last Blogged At
1:37 AM


Shit happened.

Hey. I feel like shit.
Why?
Cause I ditched my best friend.
I dunno why.
It just happened.
Shit.

I feel awkward when he/she is around.
He/she says the wrong stuff.
Stuff that gets me riled.
Angry.
But he/she doesn't know.
Because I didn't tell him/her.

Shit.

I'd like to say I'm sorry,
but i didn't really do anything wrong.
I just ignored you.
Ignored you pretty badly.

I'm sorry pal.

Like i said, it just happened.
Shit happened.

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Hana Last Blogged At
1:22 AM


Friday, January 09, 2004

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Labels:


Hana Last Blogged At
9:51 PM


10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

(and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Labels:


Hana Last Blogged At
9:50 PM


I feel.

Verse 1-
Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
wish I could feel no pain
wish I was young
wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I


-Chorus-
Cause’ I feel so mad
I feel so angry
Feel so careless
So lost confused
Feel so cheep
So used unfaithful
Lets start over
Lets start over


-Verse 2-
Sometimes I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could give
I wish I could change the world
For you and me


Cause’ I feel so mad
I feel so angry
Feel so careless
So lost confused
Feel so cheap
So used unfaithful
Lets start over
Lets start over

Labels:


Hana Last Blogged At
11:55 AM


of rabbits and shit.

It's been a hell of a weekend.. ahha
I dunno lah.. i'm happy, i'm sad, i'm BORED...
you know lah.. as usual.. wahaha..
I have five dear RABBITS now... dun ask.
one for each of my siblings, but guess who handles all the SHIT?

AKU JUGAK.

haha... oh well...
Anyways, i've gotten over my i-need-a-guy period.
I'm sick of guys.
Okie, not the good looking ones who don't look at me lar..
wahaha

Speaking of good looking guys, i met one on the train.
Took my breath away.. (haha, right)
and he sat across from me..
with his short, crly/wavy hair,
and large dark brown eyes,
hehehe......................

get a GRIP.

Labels: ,


Hana Last Blogged At
11:39 AM


Monday, January 05, 2004

Petaling Street Virgin

hey.. blog. ahha... i'm back... well, it's been a week lah.. KL sucked,. taxi drivers, hotel, traffic.... all sucked... wahahaha.... discovered PETALING STREET... hahaha it's SO COOL..... okie, for ppl who have a really small budget, it's the place to go...

WE got:

1: A kurta for 22 RM
2: A Gucci watch for 10 RM
3: An Adidas bag for 25 RM
3: An Adidas watch for 12 RM
4: Adidas sunglasses for 5 RM!!!
5: Vans shoes for 65 RM.. (my bro)
6: Prada and Hermes bags for mum, 65 RM + 65 RM
7: 2 Nike, 1 Adidas schoolbag for.. 120 RM i think... that's 40 RM per bag...

hahaha..... total:389 RM.... of BRANDED goods... wahahaha...
cheapskate..
yeah..
whatever.

Labels:


Hana Last Blogged At
1:47 PM


WELCOME


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Random Words Specialist
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Nonsense is my forte. :)

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